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David Letterman TV Show Sound Bites

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13-hundred.wav
David Letterman: "We've done over 13-hundred shows."
Paul: "Yeah."
Dave: "So it's not surprising that occasionally one would eat, suck, or blow."

16-hundred.wav
Dave: "<ahem> We've done over 16-hundred shows. They can't all be great, you know. You do, you do that many shows, you do that many shows, some are gonna, some are gonna suck, some are gonna eat, some are gonna blow."
Paul: "This is a fine show. This is not a bad show."
Dave: "Some suck, some blow, some eat."

actual_letters.wav
Dave: "By the way, ladies and gentlemen, these are actual letters from actual viewers from all over the world, and if they weren't, would I be able to do this?"
Sound of cards warbling.
Paul: "No."
Dave: "Ha, ha, ha, ha."

answer_viewer_mail.wav
Dave: "We're the only show presently in production that cares enough about you, the North American home viewer, to answer our viewer mail on the air."
Paul: "Doesn't 60 Minutes do that?"
Dave: "Yeah, yeah, but screw those guys."

any_sense.wav
David Letterman: "The reason we were attacked, the reason these people are dead, these people are missing and dead ... They weren't doing anything wrong, they were living their lives, they were going to work, they were traveling, they were doing what they normally do. Uh, as I understand it -- and my understanding of this is vague, at best -- another smaller group of people stole some airplanes and crashed them into buildings. And we're told that they were zealots fueled by religious fervor, religious fervor. And if you live to be a thousand years old, will that make any sense to you? Will that make any goddamned sense?" (This was David Letterman's first show after September 11th 2001. Aired on September 17)
 

at_last.wav
Dave: "Uh, the category: Top Ten Signs You're a Dumb Guy. Yes! Yes! At last! Something I'll understand!"

beat_me_up.wav
Dave: "Beat me up! I'm a little newt! I'm a weasel! Hurt me!"

big_deal.wav
Dave: "If we're late, screw it. So we're late... Big deal."

bill_clinton.wav
Dave: "Ya know, Bill Clinton, the governor of Arkansas, because of all the trouble he's found himself in now running for President, earlier this afternoon in Florida, Bill Clinton was made an honorary Kennedy."

bjorn.wav
Someone: "Who do you think you are ... Bjorn Nitmo?"

bullet_wound.wav
Dave: "Oh, what a nasty bullet wound! Waaw waaw."

buttafuoco.wav
Dave: "I would stay here at NBC, I'd be happy to stay here at NBC, but my heart says Buttafuoco."

calm_down_larry.wav
Dave Letterman: "Calm down, Larry."
Calvert DeForest as Larry Bud Melman: "Shut up, Letterman. Now it's time to taste the fury... of my rod."

cbs_mailbag_close.wav
Letterman: "Okay, close up the CBS mailbag."
Paul and the band sing mailbag theme song.
Letterman: "All right, thank you very much, Monte."

cbs_mailbag_open.wav
Letterman: "Let's open up the ole CBS mailbag."
Paul and the band play the mailbag theme song.
Letterman: "All right. Okay."

cher.wav
Dave: "Ya know, I don't care what people say. To me, Cher is one hot lady."
Audience cheers.

comedy_fun.wav
Dave: "Get ready for real comedy fun."

computer_www.wav
Dave: "W-W-W, the web site, where you dial up on your computer, where you log-on to the, uh, the, uh, the Internet."

connection.wav
Dave: "I wonder if there's a connection there... hyello."

crash.wav
Sfx when Dave throws a blue card through the "window."

crispin_glover.wav
Dave: "Have you seen Crispin Glover? Young actor? Kind of a goof-ball."

damn.wav
Dave: "How we doing on time? ... Damn."

david_letterman.wav
Bill Wendell: "David Letterman!"

dialing_music.wav
Dave: "Paul, a little dialing music...(dials phone) Whew, okay."

doctor_fun.wav
David Letterman: "But it might be fun to be a doctor, don't ya think? Have you ever thought about that?"

doctor_in_house.wav
Letterman: "Is there a doctor in the house?"

doctor_not.wav
Letterman: "And, you're not a nurse. You're not a health care worker at all. You don't help out around the doctor's office, dentist's office... nursing homes?"

dont_make_me.wav
Dave: "Don't make me come up there!"

dumb_ads.wav
Dave: "Look, look what I have here in my right hand, ladies and gentlemen. That's right, an assortment of dumb ads. Paul, theme music, please."
Paul: "I have it... Dumb Ads! Dumb Ads! Yeah! Dumb Ads!"

easy.wav
Dave: "Easy on the eyes."

employee.wav
Dave: "Earlier today, for the first time, NBC named me 'Employee of the Month.' " (This is from the monolog of the final episode of NBC's Late Night With David Letterman)

enema_time.wav
Dave: "Enema time!"
Chevy Chase: "For everybody!"

fifty_times.wav
Dave: "According to this survey, the average woman has sex 50 times a year... 45 of those times with a Kennedy."

fine.wav
Dave: "Fine. Good luck, Show Boy!"

flyin_monkeys.wav
Dave: "Flyin' monkeys is funny!"

for_one_reason.wav
Dave: "The space shuttle Discovery successfully deployed a satellite earlier today, and it's up there for one reason, and that is ... to keep an eye on the Kennedys."

general_larry_bud.wav
Calvert DeForest as Larry Bud Melman: "My name is General Larry Bud Schwarzkopf."

giving_me_signals.wav
Dave: "Oh, I know, I know. You're giving me signals like I don't know what I'm doing. Ha, ha! Can you imagine that? Me not knowing what I'm doing? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!"

glorious_night.wav
Dave: "It's a glorious night here in studio 6-A."

goggles.wav
Dave: "Should I have protective goggles on, or anything? Because sometimes the birds go nuts and try to peck my eyes out!"

good_night.wav
Dave: "Ladies and gentlemen, we're desperately short on time. Thanks for watching. Have a lovely weekend... Good night, everybody."

guaranteed.wav
Dave: "A half inning, guaranteed, shut-out baseball, or the tickets are on me."
 

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