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David Letterman TV Show Sound Bites

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David Letterman TV Show Sound Bites

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David Letterman: "We've done over 13-hundred shows."
Paul: "Yeah."
Dave: "So it's not surprising that occasionally one would eat, suck, or blow."

Dave: "<ahem> We've done over 16-hundred shows. They can't all be great, you know. You do, you do that many shows, you do that many shows, some are gonna, some are gonna suck, some are gonna eat, some are gonna blow."
Paul: "This is a fine show. This is not a bad show."
Dave: "Some suck, some blow, some eat."

Dave: "By the way, ladies and gentlemen, these are actual letters from actual viewers from all over the world, and if they weren't, would I be able to do this?"
Sound of cards warbling.
Paul: "No."
Dave: "Ha, ha, ha, ha."

Dave: "We're the only show presently in production that cares enough about you, the North American home viewer, to answer our viewer mail on the air."
Paul: "Doesn't 60 Minutes do that?"
Dave: "Yeah, yeah, but screw those guys."

David Letterman: "The reason we were attacked, the reason these people are dead, these people are missing and dead ... They weren't doing anything wrong, they were living their lives, they were going to work, they were traveling, they were doing what they normally do. Uh, as I understand it -- and my understanding of this is vague, at best -- another smaller group of people stole some airplanes and crashed them into buildings. And we're told that they were zealots fueled by religious fervor, religious fervor. And if you live to be a thousand years old, will that make any sense to you? Will that make any goddamned sense?" (This was David Letterman's first show after September 11th 2001. Aired on September 17)

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Dave: "Uh, the category: Top Ten Signs You're a Dumb Guy. Yes! Yes! At last! Something I'll understand!"

Dave: "Beat me up! I'm a little newt! I'm a weasel! Hurt me!"

Dave: "If we're late, screw it. So we're late... Big deal."

Dave: "Ya know, Bill Clinton, the governor of Arkansas, because of all the trouble he's found himself in now running for President, earlier this afternoon in Florida, Bill Clinton was made an honorary Kennedy."

Someone: "Who do you think you are ... Bjorn Nitmo?"

Dave: "Oh, what a nasty bullet wound! Waaw waaw."

Dave: "I would stay here at NBC, I'd be happy to stay here at NBC, but my heart says Buttafuoco."

Dave Letterman: "Calm down, Larry."
Calvert DeForest as Larry Bud Melman: "Shut up, Letterman. Now it's time to taste the fury... of my rod."

Letterman: "Okay, close up the CBS mailbag."
Paul and the band sing mailbag theme song.
Letterman: "All right, thank you very much, Monte."

Letterman: "Let's open up the ole CBS mailbag."
Paul and the band play the mailbag theme song.
Letterman: "All right. Okay."

Dave: "Ya know, I don't care what people say. To me, Cher is one hot lady."
Audience cheers.

Dave: "Get ready for real comedy fun."

Dave: "W-W-W, the web site, where you dial up on your computer, where you log-on to the, uh, the, uh, the Internet."

Dave: "I wonder if there's a connection there... hyello."

Sfx when Dave throws a blue card through the "window."

Dave: "Have you seen Crispin Glover? Young actor? Kind of a goof-ball."

Dave: "How we doing on time? ... Damn."

Bill Wendell: "David Letterman!"

Dave: "Paul, a little dialing music...(dials phone) Whew, okay."

David Letterman: "But it might be fun to be a doctor, don't ya think? Have you ever thought about that?"

Letterman: "Is there a doctor in the house?"

Letterman: "And, you're not a nurse. You're not a health care worker at all. You don't help out around the doctor's office, dentist's office... nursing homes?"

Dave: "Don't make me come up there!"

Dave: "Look, look what I have here in my right hand, ladies and gentlemen. That's right, an assortment of dumb ads. Paul, theme music, please."
Paul: "I have it... Dumb Ads! Dumb Ads! Yeah! Dumb Ads!"

Dave: "Easy on the eyes."

Dave: "Earlier today, for the first time, NBC named me 'Employee of the Month.' " (This is from the monolog of the final episode of NBC's Late Night With David Letterman)

Dave: "Enema time!"
Chevy Chase: "For everybody!"

Dave: "According to this survey, the average woman has sex 50 times a year... 45 of those times with a Kennedy."

Dave: "Fine. Good luck, Show Boy!"

Dave: "Flyin' monkeys is funny!"

Dave: "The space shuttle Discovery successfully deployed a satellite earlier today, and it's up there for one reason, and that is ... to keep an eye on the Kennedys."

Calvert DeForest as Larry Bud Melman: "My name is General Larry Bud Schwarzkopf."

Dave: "Oh, I know, I know. You're giving me signals like I don't know what I'm doing. Ha, ha! Can you imagine that? Me not knowing what I'm doing? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!"

Dave: "It's a glorious night here in studio 6-A."

Dave: "Should I have protective goggles on, or anything? Because sometimes the birds go nuts and try to peck my eyes out!"

Dave: "Ladies and gentlemen, we're desperately short on time. Thanks for watching. Have a lovely weekend... Good night, everybody."

Dave: "A half inning, guaranteed, shut-out baseball, or the tickets are on me."


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