Paul: "Dave, uh, I meant to speak to you about something
before the show."
Dave: "Yeah, what's the matter?"
Paul: "They don't want you to do the masturbation scene
Dave: "This place blows."
Dave: "By the way, ladies and gentlemen, as always ...
this stuff in lieu of actual entertainment."
Dave: "I wonder if my tie is too tight... cutting off
blood flow to the brain."
Paul: "No, no, no."
Dave: "Do we have a tissue? Is there a tissue?"
Dave: "Twenty-two pounds of chickens, 18 eggplants."
Dave: "This is very, very exciting."
"Waah waah" sfx.
Dave: "Ladies and gentlemen, wake the kids, phone the
Dave: "There, going for the phone, picks it up, and now
Meg: "Hello. Publicity."
Dave: "Hi, Meg, it's me, Dave, over here at NBC."
Dave: "Turn around and wave to America."
Dave: "Uh, we have to go. Good night, everybody."
Dave: "Oh, there they go! They're chanting weasel again."
Audience: "Weasel, weasel, weasel ..."
Dave: "Oh, that's enough. Hey, hey, hey!....... Weasel,
Audience: "Weasel, weasel, weasel!"
Dave: "Could I be a little more weasely?"
Paul: "To what do we owe this outburst of weaseliness?"
Dave: "I don't know if you know this about me. You might
have read it. It's been written up in various area
periodicals. I have, in my spare time, visited every web
site on the Internet... I've seen them all."
Dave: "Welcome to New York City. Welcome to the show. I'm
Dave: "Thank you very much, folks. Welcome to the alleged
show. Thank you."
Dave: "Uh, welcome to the program, ladies and gentlemen."
Dave: "What is wrong with you?!"
Dave: "Yo, what the hell??"
Dave: "What the hell are you doing?"
Dave: "Haa, what's the matter, Al?"
Al Marr: "I thought if I shake it a little, it might do
Dave: "Good idea... Usually works for you, doesn't it,
Pete Fatovich: "Who gives a rat's ass?"
Dave Letterman: "Will you relax? Will you get off my
back? Will you give me a minute to think? Easy, easy! You're
driving me too hard! Give me a break! I need to think! I
Anton Figg: "I love autumn because the birds fly south
for the winter, and that leaves more worms and insects for
Dave: "Ya pinhead!"
Dave: "Yeah... Hey, that's uncalled for! I'll clear this
courtroom, ya weasels!"
Marv Albert: "Yes!"
Dave: "You babies."
Dave: "Hello, you're on the air."
Caller: "Hi Paul, hi Dave."
Caller: "You know, uh, most of the people who support
this thing don't realize that... you guys suck!"
Paul: "You shut your mouth, you gap-toothed weasel!"
Dave: "Oh yeah, why don't you shut yours, you Canadian
Paul: "Hey, go to hell, you cross-eyed bastard!"
Dave: "Hey, you do the same, toad boy!"
Paul: "Listen, you've had this coming for years,
Dave: "Ahh! ... I'm gonna kill you!"
Dave: "You sonofabitch!"
Dave: "Yeah, let's go to the phones now. Uh, hi there,
you're on the air."
Caller: "Hi. Uh, you know, I think the real, uh, the
problem with this is that... you suck, Letterman!"
Dave: "You weasels."
Dave: "And now some more Zeppelin, Stairway to Heaven."
Dave: "Paul, nice to see you. Nice to see everybody in
Paul: "Good to see you, sir."
Dave: "Uh, of course, Sid McGinnis, Will Lee, and
Antoinne Zip, our drummer."
Paul: "That would be Anton Fig."
Dave: "Anton Figg, yes."
Zip-lock.wavCLICK HERE TO RETURN TO I TO L INDEX
Dave: "Zip-Lock my ass!"
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